Rethinking Australia Day: The Case for Replacing It with Scott Morrison’s Shart

Greetings, fellow conscious beings! Today, I would like to offer a thought-provoking proposal for the celebration of Australia Day that is sure to ignite controversy and debate. I propose that we replace the current national holiday with a celebration of two momentous events in modern Australian history: the 1997 NRL grand final and “Scotty From Marketing”‘s infamous incident at the Engadine McDonald’s.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Mike, have you lost your marbles? How could a mere rugby match and a bowel movement at a fast-food joint possibly compare to the importance of Australia Day?” Well, my dear skeptics, I would argue that these events hold both literal and philosophical significance that far outweighs the tired traditions of January 26th.

Let’s start with the 1997 NRL grand final. For those unfamiliar, this was a match between the Newcastle Knights and the Manly Sea Eagles that ended in a nail-biting 22-16 victory for the Knights. Now, you might be asking yourself, “Why on earth should we celebrate a random rugby game from over 20 years ago?” Well, my dear friends, I would argue that this match represents the quintessential Australian spirit of perseverance in the face of adversity. The Knights were underdogs going into the game, but they refused to give up and ultimately emerged victorious. This is a message that all Australians can relate to, regardless of their background or beliefs.

And then we have the Engadine McDonald’s incident. For those unfamiliar, this is the infamous tale of how future prime minister Scott Morrison allegedly soiled his pants at a fast-food joint in the early hours of the morning. Now, you might be asking yourself, “Why on earth should we celebrate a politician’s embarrassing bodily functions?” Well, my dear sceptics, I would argue that this incident represents the quintessential Australian spirit of humility and vulnerability. Scotty From Marketing, as he is un-affectionately known, has always shied away from his past mistakes and has always been flippant about his flaws. This is a message that all Australians can learn from, regardless of their political affiliations.

So there you have it, folks. Two events that capture the essence of modern Australia far more accurately than the tired celebrations of January 26th. Let’s ditch the colonial baggage and embrace the true spirit of our nation by celebrating the 1997 NRL grand final and the Engadine McDonald’s incident. Who’s with me?